Do your boundaries come with question marks? If your boundaries come with question marks, they're not really boundaries. They're just suggestions.
Boundaries aren't rules for other people. They’re rules for you, the boundary-setter. You are the only one that can honor them.
WHAT MOST PEOPLE THINK A BOUNDARY IS:
I express a preference, or make a request, and the other person obliges without resistance or question.
WHAT A BOUNDARY IS:
I state what I’m available for, or willing to do (or not do), and this is what I do. This doesn't have to mean conflict (at least not on our part) or being nasty or rude.
For instance, I’ve let my friends know that I don’t talk after a certain time of day (unless, of course, it’s an emergency or some extenuating circumstance). Some of my friends still call. I still don’t talk. This is my boundary, not theirs. No one is violating my boundary. They’re perfectly within their rights to dial my number, and I’m not going to pick up. I don't to be fussed about it. I don't need to be mad at them for "not respecting my boundary." (Some of them are honestly just very forgetful. Lol) I’m not going to explain it again and again. I’m not going to apologize for not being available on other people's schedules. I’m simply going to honor my own agreement with myself that I've shared with them. What they do with it is up to them. That’s the end of it. We’re all still friends. Works just the same when the roles are reversed. I don't expect anyone to be available at my command either.
Are some situations more complicated than the one I’ve shared? Of course. I have those, too. For the most part, when it comes to these day-to-day, "no means maybe" patterns we get stuck in, with a little added nuance and consideration, the point stands.
This is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for some of you, painful even. I understand. You may have felt, or actually been, punished in the past for standing up for yourself and respecting your own time and values, and that’s absolutely unfair. It doesn’t mean you can’t learn to respect them now and respect yourself in this new way going forward. It will not only relieve a tremendous amount of stress in the long run and enable you to live more from your true values, but you’ll also be the more sincere version of yourself with others. It’s really a win-win.
FOR PRACTICE: Try starting small, with something minor and someone non-threatening. Maybe someone proposes a day or time that doesn’t work for you. Instead of contorting yourself to make it work, simply let the other person know that it doesn’t, and offer an alternative option or two. Get a little more comfortable with the smaller things, then you can practice your way into something a bit bolder.
If you'd like help learning how to set and honor appropriate boundaries for yourself, please reach out. You can contact me through the form below, or email me at ginamarkscoaching@gmail.com
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