People-Pleasing vs Kindness - A case of misguided intentions
The difference between kindness and people-pleasing is the difference between generosity and fear.
The litmus test to tell the difference is in how you feel.
If you’re having trouble not saying yes when you really mean no, how does it feel? Not great, does it? It doesn’t feel true. It’s not sincere. You have resentment whether you want to or not.
When you’re giving out of the kindness of your heart, because you truly want to share something with someone out of love, how does that feel? Very differently.
Giving feels amazing! If giving doesn’t feel good, you’re probably not in the intention of giving. You’re obliging, or possibly, - I’m sorry; you might want to sit down for this - you might be manipulating, without even being aware of it.
When I realized I was sometimes doing this, I was horrified and strangely liberated at the same time. I had been saying yes when I didn’t mean it, because I was afraid of the other person’s reaction, or their opinion of me. I didn’t want them to be mad at me, or realize they didn’t like me after all, or go complain about me to other friends. But whatever their reaction when I was doing the insincere thing, it wasn’t to me, was it? It was to the person I was pretending to be in order to get their approval (or avoid their disapproval). I wasn’t aware of it on that level. I was never knowingly manipulating people. But that’s what it was underneath it all.
This is what it is when we do this.
Be it a gift, our time, or our words, if giving is contingent upon another PERSON'S reaction, it ceases to be giving.
If you think you put yourself last, what you’re actually putting last are your true yesses, your sincere values and intentions. What you’re putting first is not other people; it’s their opinion of you.
It’s your right to do so, if you so choose, but if this is not who you want to be, now is a great time to reevaluate and begin a new practice. It won’t change overnight. Start small, with the easy stuff. Give yourself some grace with the rest, as you become more clear. It’s like building a weak muscle, or learning a new skill. You’ll get stronger and better with time and practice.
You will be a better, kinder, truer person for it. And the right people, the people that love the real you, will love you for it.
I’ve never lost a good friend for being myself. I have gained a few, though.
For help breaking the patterns of people-pleasing and value-compromising, setting true boundaries, and showing up for the important and meaningful things in your life, private coaching can be very effective. I can help you understand more clearly and specifically the whats, hows and whys of those habits that aren't working for you and how to change them. Contact me through the form below to schedule a sessions, or with questions.
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