I had a rather engaging conversation with a potential new client recently, where he was lamenting about how accustomed he’s become to scraping by. For years, he’s gone through periods where his future was entirely uncertain; his financial security was nil; at times he was in danger of losing everything, yet he always found a way to get by.
He’s tired. He’s afraid he’ll keep living like this if he doesn’t take some escalated measure to change things. He’s gotten too good at this life he knows too well.
Despite having all kinds of big hopes and dreams, along with the skill and talent to actually deliver on them, he’s never been able to get above survival mode.
Why hasn’t he been motivated to break this broken cycle? Like many of us, he finds this incredibly puzzling. How can he know he can do better, want to do better, yet find himself not doing better?
I call this the “comfort handcuffs.”
You may have heard of the "golden handcuffs"? The Golden Handcuffs refers to the trap of a situation that's too good to leave...the pay, status or power is too good to give up, even for a better life, even if you're really unhappy.
Well, the comfort handcuffs have a different kind of hold on us. It’s not as flashy and obvious, like money, fame, or fancy perks. Contrary to what the name implies, these cuffs are not terribly comfortable. In fact, they can be quite uncomfortable, but not so much so that we break free.
They’re just comfortable enough to tolerate. Because they’re familiar. They’re the discomfort we know. Like a chronic emotional pain that we can wiggle around and shift our weight to relieve, wrap a bandage around it and take a few Tylenol to avoid really doing something about it.
Familiarity is a powerful safety trap.
People stay in all varieties of very uncomfortable situations - toxic relationships, miserable jobs, tenuous living situations, one-sided friendships - because it’s what they know. There is comfort in that.
Because the doing-something-about-it is the discomfort we DON’T know. And that feels scarier.
People only endure the discomfort of change for one of two reasons, which are basically two sides of the same coin.
The change we desire becomes so compelling and real to us we just gotta have it, so we figure out a way to get it. We move TOWARD the new.
Our current status quo becomes so intolerable that we get hellbent on breaking free of it. We move AWAY from the old.
It’s a tipping point of sorts from which there is no going back. When we reach this point, we suddenly find a way to overcome uncertainty and fear, or whatever limiting beliefs we’ve had in the past.
If you find yourself stuck in this personal purgatory of feeling highly dissatisfied and longing for things to be different, then you haven’t reached this tipping point.
You’ve become comfortable in the familiar discomfort.
So what can you do about it?
Recognize what’s happening. Be onto yourself. Awareness is the first step.
Give it some thought. Seriously. Intentionally. Spend time on it. What can you do from where you are? How much longer are you willing to live this way?
Get help. If you don’t trust yourself to not fall back into the same old patterns, then find someone that can help pull you out. This might be a coach such as myself, a therapist, a goal group, a mentor, or something else. It may take trying some new things. Try some new things.
Don’t do what I did. I waited for the bottom fall out. I often say that desperation became my greatest luxury, because I reached the point I couldn’t take it anymore. By that point, I had a much deeper hole to dig myself out of!
But even if you’re down there, deep in the hole, you don’t have to stay there. Start climbing!
It’s worth it.
There is no other side to the discomfort you already know. There is only more of it, and it never runs out. The discomfort of change, however, has a whole new life waiting for you.
If making big changes feels overwhelming to you, and you'd like the support of a dedicated, personal coach, please reach out. You can message me through the form below, or email me directly at ginamarkscoaching@gmail.com.For pricing information, see Plans & Pricing page.
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